President Donald Trump gets results
President Donald Trump has been working around the clock since his inauguration on Monday, signing a slew of executive orders to reverse the Biden administration’s failed policies and lay the groundwork for a “golden age” of American greatness.
Some of these orders, primarily the ones concerning illegal immigration, have received a considerable amount of angsty coverage in the mainstream media. Others have flown under the radar, including these 12 executive orders that, according to a Washington Free Beacon analysis, will immediately bolster Trump’s efforts to restore American prestige at home and abroad.
1) FIFA is now an officially designated foreign terrorist organization
This was obviously inspired by the shocking revelation that alleged CEO assassin Luigi Mangione was radicalized while playing soccer in high school. Trump is also expected to sign an order deploying American snipers around the world to injure (or kill, if necessary) any soccer player “who falls down screaming like a little bitch and doesn’t get up within five seconds.”
2) Resolved: ‘Chris Hayes’ and ‘Rachel Maddow’ are the same person
The media’s misinformation campaign is out of control.
3) Illegal immigrants and criminal vagrants ride the Acela for free
An efficient way to persuade Democrats to stop supporting crime.
4) Jim Acosta gets to cohost primetime show…
…with Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in Guantanamo.
5) Joe Biden’s top secret steroid/stimulant concoction now covered by Medicare
6) Alligator moat
He’s not kidding about securing the border.
7) Running down an obnoxious cyclist with your car no longer a felony
Rebalance the scales of justice to stop protecting these menaces to society.
8) Officially renamed: Massachusetts will heretofore be known as Pocahontas
A touching tribute to one of history’s great trailblazers.
9) More gratuitous nudity in film
No explanation necessary.
10) Resolved: Ella Emhoff is not model material
We can finally admit it now.
Trump also issued a number of pardons on Monday. You probably heard about the ones for the January 6 protesters, but these pardons were just as momentous, despite receiving far less media coverage.
11) Pardoned: Ted Cruz’s dad
For his role in the JFK assassination. (Kennedy also pardoned for being a pervert.)
12) Pardoned for life: Hunter Biden
Just to see what happens.
This article was originally published at freebeacon.com
