Satire: Joe Biden’s farewell address

In case you missed pResident Joe Biden’s January 15 farewell address to the nation from behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office (SATIRE).

My fellow Ukrainians…I mean, Americans, this is my final chat with you from a Delaware beach, oops, I mean the Oval Office. It’s been an exciting four days…oh, what is that, Jill? Okay, it’s been an exciting four years since I took the oath of office when I promised to unite the country, never to lie to the American people, and to keep Hunter employed. Well, one out of three isn’t bad.

Thanks to my outstanding cabinet, which includes “the black guy,” we have had many international successes. For instance, the Russians and Ukrainians no longer need GPS to get around each other’s cities. The Communist Chinese now have balloon rides on their resume. My administration worked overtime destroying fossil fuels so that we would be forced to buy oil from Venezuela. Muy bien, no? We made Iran richer, which helped them to fund terrorist organizations.

And we repeatedly told Israel that we wanted them to return to their 1945 borders. As I leave office, Donald Trump’s threat to obliviate Hamas and Hezbollah if the remaining hostages aren’t returned by Inauguration Day could work out. Hmm, maybe I should have tried that peace through strength that Blinken kept saying was a waste of time. While Hamas and Hezbollah might no longer be building tunnels in the Middle East, they can transfer their building skills to Los Angeles.

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Image: YouTube screen grab (cropped).

Vice President Kamala Harris has been a great partner, except when she backstabbed me in late July. As border czar, Harris helped my administration to let 10 to 20 million illegal aliens waltz unvetted through our borders. This includes 300,000+ children that no one can locate. My fellow Americans, we are a nation of immigrants and proudly have a tapestry of people from around the world who call the United States home. Thanks to VP Harris and myself, that tapestry now includes murderers, rapists, arsonists, and thieves.

Thanks to me, the United States was respected around the globe for the last four days, I mean years. Okay, maybe the last three years. Perhaps, the last two years. All right, the United States has been respected since this past November 5. Well, at least we got some respect during my time in the White House.

On the domestic front, thanks to our printing money the way Hunter produces $100,000 paintings, the American people have advanced their math skills. Each time they go grocery shopping, they hold a calculator while deciding if they can afford to buy Spam. Certainly, the United States and Italy have bonded since more Americans are eating pasta seven nights a week.

Also on the domestic front, my administration has brought families closer together. We often hear about three generations sharing a two-bedroom apartment.

Next to smoking dope in the White House, climate change is our biggest threat! Powerful forces want to wield their unchecked influence, eliminate the steps we’ve taken to tackle the climate crisis, and serve their own interest for power and profit. Only Bidens should serve their own interests for power and profit! Uh, Jill says to stick to the teleprompter.

Let’s forget that China and India erase any successes the Western world might have in curbing carbon emissions. That’s why I am immensely thankful to California’s Governor Gavin Newsom and Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass for bringing climate change to the forefront with their disastrous handling of wildfires. Thanks to their multiple failures, elites can jet set to a Malibu beach for future meetings.

Participating in our democracy becomes exhausting and even disillusioning. And people don’t feel like they have a fair shot. We must stay engaged in the process. Thankfully, that is what the American people did on Election Day when they gave Donald Trump a mandate on his return to the White House.

Uh, Hunter and Jill are walking out of the Oval Office, so I had better wrap up since the chocolate chip ice cream is beginning to melt. May you all be the keeper of the flame. May you keep the faith. I love America because my entire family was able to make lots of money using the “Biden” name to buy influence at home and abroad. I know you love it, too, while trying to decide if you should spend your money on food, clothing, or shelter.

Good night, my fellow Americans. God Bless the United States of America and everything we hold dear that is made in China. 

Robin M. Itzler is a regular contributor to American Thinker. She is the founder and editor of Patriot Neighbors, a free weekly national newsletter. Robin can be reached at PatriotNeighbors@yahoo.com.