Come, Ye Huddled Masses, It’s Time For Cocoa, Coloring Books And Safe Spaces

I woke up Wednesday morning feeling sad, anxious, and angry: democracy was dead.

As Don McLean once sang, “Something touched me deep inside the day the music died.” Indeed, in the early morning hours of Nov. 6, the music died. And I was touched.

I had considered moving to Canada and opening up a wellness marijuana center if Donald Trump won. Something about Canadian irrelevance, sticky bud for the People™ and socialized medicine appealed to me. It felt brat and Kamala would like that. I flirted with the idea of going south, but starting my wellness center in Mexico could steal away business from the local, hardworking, ethnic cartel members.

I thought better of it, though. This is my country, too. I can’t just abandon America to the fascists. I didn’t just fall out of a coconut tree; I exist in this context, all of which came before me. And I still have the opportunity to manifest what can be, unburdened by what has been, despite Kamala’s loss. (Stream Daily Caller’s latest documentary ‘Cleaning Up Kamala’ HERE)

Kamala and Coach Walz told us, “When we fight, we win.” I hold those lines to be true even if you lose in a landslide. I’m still with her, and I’m still going to fight.

On that note, I would like to proudly announce that the Daily Caller will be opening a physical safe space for Washington, D.C., metro residents. We will also launch remote therapy sessions, hosted by yours truly, which will function as a digital safe space for people across the country angered and shocked by these election results.

Following in the footsteps of our revered academic institutions, our physical safe space will offer a variety of therapeutics, including cookies and milk, hot cocoa, coloring books, Star Wars LEGO sets, drag outfits, and free head shaves for women protesting the Trump win. (We are not explicitly providing marijuana; for that — and much more — please see the crazy homeless man loitering in the alley.) The first five people to sign up for a safe space session in D.C. will receive a $25 gift card to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop store, where you can buy all sorts of self-care products to help you through the coming months.

Overall, we seek to cultivate a room with “bully-proof windows and troll-safe doors,” metaphorically speaking. We will also bring in pit bulls from underserved minority communities throughout the D.C. metro area. We hope these kind and loving animals will act as comforting therapy dogs to the politically bereaved.

As for the remote sessions, our first will take place this Sunday at 8 p.m. EST. I’m excited to announce we will be joined by Dr. Artemis Lux (they/them), a world-renowned expert in the budding field of election trauma. Lux has published numerous papers in the New England Journal of Transgender Political Studies and recently won a grant from Michelle Obama and the Obama Foundation. She will lead us in a deep-breathing session before she lectures on why we should view American politics through a post-modern, queer lens. Please, join us.

In the meantime, try to stay safe out there, out there in reality away from our safe space. It’s a dark time in America, especially for Puerto Ricans and rich liberal women in the Upper East Side. But as Kamala says, the stars are brightest when it’s dark out. We will shine brightly through it all. Joy cometh in the morning!

This article is satire.