It’s Friday, January 24, 2025.
It’s finally happening. A golden age is upon us. “We stand on the verge of the four greatest years in American history,” Trump said Monday after being sworn in as the 47th president of the United States. He immediately got to work signing executive orders to reverse Biden administration policies and advance the agenda he campaigned on. He invited reporters into the Oval Office to watch him do it and even answered their questions. For the first time in four years, the American president is functioning again.
The Great Augmentation is already underway. Trump has promised not only to secure our borders—but to expand them. Large breasts, among other things, are great again. Amazon founder Jeff Bezos brought his girlfriend, Lauren Sanchez, to the inauguration and dazzled viewers with her courageous attire. Sanchez wore an updated (and arguably more feminist) version of the “suffragette white” pantsuit Hillary Clinton wore to accept the Democratic nomination in 2016. Fashion critics applauded the failed candidate for choosing a color favored by early women’s rights activists and for exuding the “purity of their cause.” Sanchez deserves at least as much credit for being a fearless champion of female freedom and body positivity on the national stage.
Inaugural Fashion Analysis: Bezos Babe Lauren Sanchez Pops in Suffragette White
Many of Trump’s executive orders were designed to crack down on illegal immigration and to roll back the Biden administration’s extensive efforts to prioritize diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) throughout the federal government and beyond. Doing what comes naturally, the media have been freaking out and lamenting the fate of criminals who could be deported, drug cartels that could be sanctioned, and so-called diversity professionals who could be forced to get a real job for once in their lives.
Trump’s plan to deport illegal immigrants, which is very popular among normal Americans, has forced journalists to pretend that they care about federal spending and the national debt. “To pull off some of what Donald Trump would really like to see when it comes to undocumented immigrants in this country is … extremely expensive when you’re also talking about cutting down government spending, trying to bring down the deficit, extending the tax cuts, you’re going to have to pay for immigration as well,” said ABC News host David Muir, who was last seen using a clothespin to make his safety jacket more form-fitting while reporting on the wildfires in Los Angeles.
The New York Times complained that Trump’s decision to add Mexican drug cartels to the list of foreign terrorist organizations could hurt American businesses by making it too “complicated” to do business in Mexico, where the cartels have become “embedded in a wide swath of the legal economy.” And? At the risk of being unfair to the poor cartels, that sounds like a problem someone should try to fix. The Times also sounded the alarm about the “dramatic escalation of President Trump’s war on diversity programs that seek to reverse decades of systemic inequities.” Our thoughts and prayers go out to these poor administrators who will have to find another feckless bureaucracy to pay them six-figure salaries to utilize their diversity studies degrees by hosting “anti-racist” dodgeball games or whatever the hell they actually do.
The other executive orders: The mainstream media has refused to cover some of Trump’s other actions since taking office, but the Washington Free Beacon is here to help. We’ve highlighted a few of Trump’s executive orders that aren’t getting much attention but will go a long way toward restoring our national prestige. For example:
1) FIFA is now an officially designated foreign terrorist organization
2) Resolved: ‘Chris Hayes’ and ‘Rachel Maddow’ are the same person
3) Resolved: Ella Emhoff is not model material
4) Renamed: Massachusetts will heretofore be known as Pocahontas
5) Alligator moat
Andrew Bates, who served as a top spokesman for President Joe Biden, is starting his own firm. It’s called Wolfpack Strategies after his alma mater, North Carolina State, a perfectly adequate school for young men and women whose parents wish they had been smart enough to go to UNC Chapel Hill. According to Axios, the firm will provide “crisis communications, press relations, strategic messaging and reputation management.”
If you’re a politician or corporate executive (or famous rapper accused of human trafficking) and you’re looking for someone who will blatantly and indignantly deny reality until the bitter end, Bates is definitely your guy. He was often the lone Biden administration official to comment on the record for articles about the president’s obvious cognitive decline. “Not only does the President perform around the clock, but he maintains a schedule that tires younger aides, including foreign trips into active war zones, and he proves he has that capacity by delivering tangible results that pundits had declared impossible,” Bates told Axios in June 2024, several days after Biden walked on the debate stage and bragged about beating Medicare.
Days later, Bates posted one of the most remarkable works of professional sycophancy while watching Biden bumble his way through a rare press conference meant to reassure critics he was competent to serve. “To answer the question on everyone’s minds: No, Joe Biden does not have a doctorate in foreign affairs. He’s just that fucking good.” (Fact check: That was not the question on everyone’s mind.) Last week, Bates lied again to the New York Times by insisting Biden’s internal polling showed “a competitive race” after the debate debacle. Last month, he told the Wall Street Journal that Biden had “earned the most accomplished record of any modern commander in chief and rebuilt the middle class because of his attention to policy details that impact millions of lives.”
Godspeed and good riddance, Baghdad Bates.
Biden’s next move: Most Americans are glad he’s gone and don’t really care what he does next, but the Free Beacon conducted an analysis just for fun to determine the most likely outcomes, including death by fall, death by dog mauling, death by natural causes, death by sex heart attack, prison, memory care facility, or the greatest political comeback of all time. Who the hell knows? He might even live long enough to get the old family business up and running again. The Big Guy paid his dues. Now it’s time to cash in.
Read more: What’s Next for Sleepy Joe?
Jim Acosta needs a job: CNN executives are trying to give him the old “gentleman’s nudge” by forcing him to decide between quitting his job or accepting a humiliating demotion by taking over the coveted midnight to 2 a.m. time slot on the failing network. He’s already threatened to leave, but where would he even go? He’s almost crazy enough for MSNBC, but that failing network is also trying to cut costs before being spun off into a separate company. Would they even have him?
Next Stop MSNBC? Jim Acosta Threatens To Quit After CNN Offers Demotion to Graveyard Shift
Contrarian comedy: Acosta could try landing a gig at the Contrarian, the new “pro-democracy” website Jennifer Rubin started after leaving the Washington Post. He’s certainly smug enough for the job, but he’d have to compete for clicks with “humor columnist” Andy Borowitz, who has been on fire this week.
Shut up and coach: Steve Kerr, the liberal activist who also coaches the Golden State Warriors, said he didn’t watch the inauguration on Monday before his team faced off against the Boston Celtics. “I chose to watch Celtics tape,” Kerr told reporters. “I always love playing on MLK Day. It’s a very significant day for all Americans.” The Warriors lost by 40 points.
Photo of the week: A small group of Democrats look sad outside the California State Capitol while holding “what they describe as a healing circle in response to President Donald Trump and his immigration policies.”
Twitter: @AndrewStilesUSA
Email: stiles@freebeacon.com
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