This article is satire.
There’s a simple solution to the farm labor shortage set to besiege farmers who rely on illegal labor: women who drink pumpkin spice lattes.
“Our great Farmers and people in the Hotel and Leisure business have been stating that our very aggressive policy on immigration is taking very good long time workers away from them, with those jobs being almost impossible to replace,” President Donald Trump posted to Truth Social. (RELATED: NBC Poll Reveals Radical Opinions Of College-Educated White Women)
But the great replacement America’s farmers so desperately need is right under his nose. Every summer, millions of affluent white (and well-assimilated) women flock to the nation’s orchards to pick peaches. And take Instagram photos. They even pay for the privilege. At Great Country Farms in Virginia, an admissions ticket for the apple harvest runs $14 for children and $16 for adults. Farmers could actually make money with each strawberry plucked. Plus, being smaller in stature, child laborers wouldn’t even have to strain their spines bending to pick crops.
About 42% of hired crop farmworkers don’t have legal authorization to work in the U.S. That’s about 1.26 million people, extrapolating from population estimates from the Wilson Center and Student Action with Farmworkers. There are over 100 million white women in the country. Surely, 1% of them could be convinced to abandon high-paying laptop jobs for a rewarding career picking cabbage.
Employers who knowingly rely on illegal immigrant labor should be in prison. Instead we’re going to back off of immigration enforcement for their sake? Hell no. We can’t tolerate this. pic.twitter.com/nWjeugQyY5
— Matt Walsh (@MattWalshBlog) June 12, 2025
“In many cases the Criminals allowed into our Country by the VERY Stupid Biden Open Borders Policy are applying for those jobs,” Trump’s Truth Social post continued. “This is not good. We must protect our Farmers, but get the CRIMINALS OUT OF THE USA. Changes are coming!”
Changes, indeed. It won’t be a totally smooth transition. Many farmers already speak Spanish, or hire foremen who do. But few are fluent in vocal fry. These new workers will expect an entirely different set of provisions. Instead of beans and rice, they’ll toil on the strength of lightly frothed matcha lattes and overpriced mediterranean bowls.
Then there’s the trouble of vegetables. A propaganda campaign will have to be waged to lend the same romantic image to lettuce and onions that apples and peaches now enjoy. Pumpkin spiced lattes are just the beginning. Consider: squash-spiced lattes, rutabaga-sprinkled cappuccinos, corn-flavored espressos. Maybe those drinks will come less laden with white privilege. (RELATED: Pumpkin Spice Latte With An Extra Shot Of White Privilege?)
Fret not. There’s historical precedent for such ventures. The French aristocracy, Marie Antoinette included, were fond of “ornamental farms,” estates where the nobles fashionably LARPed as peasants. America’s burgeoning tradwife population could easily be enticed to join in the fun. Imagine a beautiful young woman striding not through a field of golden grain, but down rows of bushy soybeans. The thought brings a tear to my eye.
Nancy Pelosi suggests we need illegal migrants to work in the fields in Florida.
“We need them to pick the crops down here.” pic.twitter.com/g4DlYOh5Ge
— Daily Caller (@DailyCaller) September 30, 2022
This solution is what’s known in economic theory as a win-win-win. Donald Trump won’t betray his promise to flush out illegal migrants. Farmers won’t lose a critical mass of laborers. They won’t even have to pay them higher wages, either. But the greatest winner, by far, would be women. They’d never run out of stylish social media photos. They’d get plenty of time to gab with their friends in the field. And that much physical labor would probably soothe some of their more neurotic tendencies.
Follow Natalie Sandoval on X: @NatalieIrene03
This article was originally published at dailycaller.com
